Tag Archives: self

Good catch?

19 Jan

That is what was suggested to me recently. I have also had other comments along similar lines. You know, do you have a partner? Why not? It has made me seriously consider how I should respond to these questions.

I don’t do intimacy, particularly the emotional kind. Some of this comes from my parents example. I could not name Dad’s best friend and while I could name Mum’s, there was no evident sharing of things that I would expect of that type of friendship.

I have had acquaintances that I have shared experiences with, I have even been married and had another 2 year relationship. What I have always found is that these people are not worthy of the trust required to have that emotional intimacy. I had it during my marriage but when things started to go wrong, he would raise these matters as reasons. This has been the enduring memory of all shared intimacy, when things get difficult, they are just thrown in my face. Therefore, why would I volunteer these things at any time?

So, how do you answer these questions without being offensive? No one is worthy? No one is to be trusted?

I see and have had relationships break down where assets are divided. Well, I have worked for and earned all I have and don’t feel inclined to share it in this way again.

Knowing all of this still does not help me to politely answer the question. I will just have to give it more thought.


comfort food

14 Jul

Today I got to ask Mum about why my baking didn’t work. It seem I used the wrong tin. What the recipe calls a cake is actually a slice and should have been in a slice tin rather than a loaf tin.

This is what I need to learn about Mum’s recipes. She keeps them in a black book that she has had as long as she had been married and it is written by her. I now have to learn the tricks of her abbreviations and this is one of them. Another is what she means by milk in her scone recipe. I actually measured as I made them yesterday and got a rough amount so at least now I know if I have enough milk to make them.

The slice that I made is a favourite of Mum’s, she makes it all the time and is easy to make now that I know the rules. It is mixed in a saucepan, I used a non stick one and it just slid out into the tin….easy.

So, melt 4oz butter, 4 oz sugar and 1dsp golden syrup in saucepan, let cool. Add 1 beaten egg then 4 oz SR flour, 2 oz plain flour, pinch salt and 1 cup sultanas. Put in slice tin 11″x5″ sprinkle with cherry pieces and almond slivers. Bake in mod oven 30 mins.

I also want to report success. Having not been able to fit in my jeans last week, I went back to my staple regime and was good for the week and now easily fit my jeans again. It really works.

My feeling, my responsibility

27 Jun

It is a strange thing to find that I have nothing to say. Having published 30 posts it seems I have cleared my mind of its logjam and my head is now clear.

Actually this is quite true. I am much calmer for having expressed myself. I sleep really well most nights and recognise that most of my feelings about my family come from jealousy.

Everyone was talking about my brother the other day and I realised that what I was feeling was jealousy and it always had been. It is interesting that the same brother feels that in the family he is nothing. He explains it this way, there are four of us; the oldest, the youngest, the daughter and him who is nothing. I can tell him he is the comedian.

This means I have to take responsibility for how I feel. Confronting such feelings is not easy, especially when you have lived with them, un-acknowledged, for many years. It colours all my interactions with my family, I have to think about how I respond to many conversations. Again i am in the positions of looking withdrawn/aloof from everyone because I am considering my reaction and adjusting it as per my acknowledged negative feeling, to be more positive.

This all goes back to where I thought I should be the centre of attention and if I am not then I am not loved. What a stupid thought! Reverse it, if someone else is not the centre of attention, I don’t feel less love for them than whomever is front and centre. Therefore I am back to my initial thought from when I returned home. Wait to find out where I fit in. Patience. Just being there and showing love will get me to where I want to be.


8 Jun

Last week I was remembering an incident where I found myself caught in the  middle of a disagreement between my mother and her sister. It was during a conversation about sisters where I stated that I have no understanding of how sisters relate or the dynamics of that relationship.

You guessed it, I was the only daughter. I have three brothers so they have the brother thing going on which is different again from the brother/sister thing.

What bothers me about all of this is that I feel like I missed out on something. I know that I am not the only person who has this relationship but that makes no difference to how I feel.

While my parents did there best and believe they did what is right, I was treated differently to my brothers. They were allowed to be boys, join in the fun, go on camps etc. I was not allowed to go on camps, go to after game events, even choose my own friends.

Of all my cousins, only one other has no sister but her brother also has no brother. We saw little of these growing up. The ones I spent time with were sisters, I always felt like an outsider and that really hasn’t changed. ¬†The person I feel closest to these days is my sister in law. You guessed, she too has a sister.

Where has this left me? I was left with no one to talk to. My parents were not of the touchy feely kind, so I am very protective of my personal space.

So, what am I trying to say is that my environment has made me what I am. I am unable to love someone else more than myself. I struggle to think of others first. My first impulse is to please me, do what I want. I don’t like that about me. I am trying to change that by joining a service club and volunteering.

It is not that I am unaware of being better off than so many others, it is not that I don’t know others need help, it is that I am not fitted to do what is required. I have poor social and communication skills so interacting with them would not help them.

This is something I have to live with and I just wish I had a best friend to express this to as she would tell me what assets I do have that I might contribute.



4 Jun

This is a follow on to “ennui”. It is a solution worth considering. I have stated that I have some structure in my day now and am looking for some work to complete it. In the mean time I still have some time on my hands. I tell people that I can give help if they want but no-one believes me. The thinking is if they are busy, so is everyone else.

So, when I woke this morning I knew that I had a fairly empty day. To fill it up I decided I would go for a walk. I have been for a few around the neighbourhood and found some pleasant places, today was a bit further as I had more time.

It helps when the sky is blue and the sun warm. I would be very reluctant if it was grey and windy so there is another solution to this. Wii! Yes, I have it and the fit program can be quite entertaining. I sometimes take a walk/jog and sometimes ride the bike.

The point is that I have no excuse to not exercise. I feel good when I do because it releases endorphins and I know I have done something good for me. It also entertains, I see something different each time I go out, walk a different street or just see a pretty flower that was not in bloom before.

Therefore I am promising myself that I will exercise whenever I am feeling bored. No more ennui for me.


1 Jun

There is a family birthday party this week. These things are usually good fun and require very little thought. Not this time, there is a Christening the same day. The only issue I have with it is this: the Christening is as lunch time at the church they married in. This church is 40 minutes drive for me (into the country) and then the party is at 6pm, another 30 minutes drive further on. What am I supposed to do in the mean time? And after, I will have an hour to drive home. I won’t be the only one.

While I can understand that they thought it was clever to arrange it like this for themselves, it is very inconvenient. I come from a family of dairy farmers and there are cows to milk in the evening (not me). I have thought about sharing the trip only I find myself wanting to be able to escape so want to take myself. This then has me thinking about skipping the Christening. I am only a great auntie and will not have a role or be in any photos, so why go at some inconvenience to myself?

The party is at their home and it is going to be cold, cold, cold. I don’t like being in the cold for any length of time and so would be keen to leave early for this reason as well as remembering wanting to leave the last of these but not having my own transport.

The in between has one solution which is acceptable. There is family near the church who are willing to provide coffee and shelter prior to going on. I am happy to do this.

My issue is that I am ambivalent about going. I expect that I will not enjoy myself as it will be sitting around doing nothing much. I am not a great conversationalist, especially among these people with whom I share little common ground. I am on a health kick as you know, so there will be little food to console me and I cannot drink as I will be driving.

It is family so I should want to go but I feel the urge to run again. My regular readers will know that I am a runner. My mindset is at get me away from where I am uncomfortable and feeling unwanted.

I recently, unbeknownst to me, missed a cousins party. She apologised to me last week for sending the invitation to the wrong address. My reaction was thank goodness as I would not have wanted to go anyway. My parents brothers get invited to all these things and go regardless, just to complain about it after, I would rather not go.

This is why I stayed away so long and also why I should have either stayed or returned much sooner. But I am programmed to run and deprogramming is hard. So, I will give it a try.


19 May

Many people have a passion for something, whether it be animals, climate, knitting or collecting. There are lots of thing to be passionate about. My problem is I don’t have a passion. I into fads. I find something I like and pursue it for a while, then get bored and leave it.

I have tried calligraphy, sewing, knitting, real estate, golf, travel, wine, yoga and the list goes on. Plenty capture my attention, seems like a good idea, but fails to hold my attention. Why?

Many of these things I have tried in an effort to connect with people. I just can’t make the connection. People talk around me about the things they are doing together, places they are going together but I am never invited to join in. I feel invisible at these times. It kills my passion.

It is like dream takers. I was at a talk last night. He talked about passion, dreams and those who want to deny us those things. Well I know a lot of dream takers and not many supporters. All my life I have heard “don’t do it”. Sometimes they were right but often they were wrong.

Surround yourself with positive thinking people who will at the very least not get in the way of your dream. Stay away from the nay sayers, dream stealers, who don’t want anyone else to have what they are to scared to go for.

I hope to soon find people I can connect with, who understand that I just want to be me, do what interests me, take my chances without blocking others. This is my dream.