Tag Archives: love

Good catch?

19 Jan

That is what was suggested to me recently. I have also had other comments along similar lines. You know, do you have a partner? Why not? It has made me seriously consider how I should respond to these questions.

I don’t do intimacy, particularly the emotional kind. Some of this comes from my parents example. I could not name Dad’s best friend and while I could name Mum’s, there was no evident sharing of things that I would expect of that type of friendship.

I have had acquaintances that I have shared experiences with, I have even been married and had another 2 year relationship. What I have always found is that these people are not worthy of the trust required to have that emotional intimacy. I had it during my marriage but when things started to go wrong, he would raise these matters as reasons. This has been the enduring memory of all shared intimacy, when things get difficult, they are just thrown in my face. Therefore, why would I volunteer these things at any time?

So, how do you answer these questions without being offensive? No one is worthy? No one is to be trusted?

I see and have had relationships break down where assets are divided. Well, I have worked for and earned all I have and don’t feel inclined to share it in this way again.

Knowing all of this still does not help me to politely answer the question. I will just have to give it more thought.

Family and organ recipients

29 Jul

I have become aware of the impact of organ donation on the recipients family. We all know it is a small positive for the donor family in their loss but how it extends widely for the recipient side is really something.

I have posted here about my friend whose brother received a kidney transplant and how she and I felt about it. Since then the impact for the family has become obvious.

The brother (I will call him Dan) is a grandfather, the latest child arriving three weeks after the operation. Dan has gained an extension on watching them grow up. As much as he will appreciate this, his children and their spouses are grateful too.

Dan’s parents have been quite emotional, they were caught unawares when the whole thing occurred and are now hopeful that they might actually out live him. It is a new thing for them but everyone is excited that Dan is no longer tied to the dialysis machine every alternate day.

His three siblings have been a bit quieter about the whole thing. One, who was considering a live kidney donation is relieved it won’t be required. The others are just happy Dan has received a life extension and they are no longer carrying the guilt of not wanting to do a live donation.

Dan is a popular member of the community and many people have been visiting him since the operation, so much so that he is struggling to get the rest he requires to recover from the operation. This has practically chased him from his home in an effort to get some peace and quiet. His sister (my friend) is quite angry about this. “Why can’t people have more consideration?” It is like the morbid who visit hospitals and sit bedside of non relatives for hours, leaving the patient exhausted.

His sister is now wondering how to get all these visitors to show more consideration for all he has been through. He needs to toughen up a bit I think. Tell visitors he has had enough please go, or just don’t answer the door. I have approached doors with signs on them, ‘no visitors today’. Anyone who truly cares will respect this and make an appointment.

In this fast pace life of instant gratification, respect for others is becoming lost as everyone want to get the scoop. It leaves me thinking how I enjoy my privacy. I hope Dan will start to get some peace and quiet soon.

My feeling, my responsibility

27 Jun

It is a strange thing to find that I have nothing to say. Having published 30 posts it seems I have cleared my mind of its logjam and my head is now clear.

Actually this is quite true. I am much calmer for having expressed myself. I sleep really well most nights and recognise that most of my feelings about my family come from jealousy.

Everyone was talking about my brother the other day and I realised that what I was feeling was jealousy and it always had been. It is interesting that the same brother feels that in the family he is nothing. He explains it this way, there are four of us; the oldest, the youngest, the daughter and him who is nothing. I can tell him he is the comedian.

This means I have to take responsibility for how I feel. Confronting such feelings is not easy, especially when you have lived with them, un-acknowledged, for many years. It colours all my interactions with my family, I have to think about how I respond to many conversations. Again i am in the positions of looking withdrawn/aloof from everyone because I am considering my reaction and adjusting it as per my acknowledged negative feeling, to be more positive.

This all goes back to where I thought I should be the centre of attention and if I am not then I am not loved. What a stupid thought! Reverse it, if someone else is not the centre of attention, I don’t feel less love for them than whomever is front and centre. Therefore I am back to my initial thought from when I returned home. Wait to find out where I fit in. Patience. Just being there and showing love will get me to where I want to be.

advice

16 Jun

Sometimes I give really good advice. This is usually when my brain is working in beta, the only problem with that is that my beta brain seems to have no link to my memory. I know at the time that the advice is really good but later I cannot remember what I said.

My brother once asked me to meet him for lunch. This was the only time this had ever occurred, so was special. It turned out he wanted my advice. I am divorced and he was asking me about it, whether I was glad, happy or regretful. I talked about the things that I did regret being having no one who knew my history, to share stories with, who understands you better than anyone else and how you  need to compare this with what you might have after. Also, how will it affect your relationship with your children? They might end up living with the other parent and you might never see them. They might be angry at you for leaving.

Passion is not the emotion to base this decision on. Do you like each other? Being friends is the most important thing. Passion comes and goes and comes again. If you can continue to talk to each other, share experiences etc, maybe use the children as a buffer if you are struggling to communicate then passion will return from time to time. I believe the important thing is to evaluate your relationship with these factors in mind, then decide what you really want.

Organ Donation

12 Jun

What does one do when family experiences a life changing event? How does one react? These have been going around in my head recently.

A friend of mine has had such an event, her brother received a kidney transplant. For her it was out of left field. She didn’t even realise he was on the list, though if she thought about it would have realised he probably was but last she talked to him about it he wasn’t even sure he wanted one. He had been on dialysis for 15 months but was worried about the side affects of the anti rejection drugs.

Now, as we talk about it she is starting to wonder if he was saying such things so the family wasn’t waiting for the kidney too. He would not want it to take over everyone’s lives nor cloud interactions with him.

She also feels a little guilt. Another brother had been tested to see if he was compatible as a live donor. She did not want to do that, did not want to go through that surgery. She knows it is worse for the donor than the recipient and is like me in that she thinks of herself first. It is one of the reasons we are friends I guess, we are both a bit selfish and understand it in the other

I don’t know what it would take for me to go for live kidney donation. I would dread any one suggesting that I do. How would I respond to such a question? Would I say,”I have consumed so much alcohol in my life that mine is probably damaged too”. I know they are not as I recently had a health check.

I am on the organ donor registry. They can have whatever they can use when I am gone. I am going to be cremated anyway and we don’t go in for open caskets here either. I like to think of some part of me making a difference in others lives, heaven knows that is not happening now but I want to use my organs while I am here.

So, my friend and I will learn to live with the guilt of what we will not do and relief that she didn’t need to after all.

Sisters

8 Jun

Last week I was remembering an incident where I found myself caught in the  middle of a disagreement between my mother and her sister. It was during a conversation about sisters where I stated that I have no understanding of how sisters relate or the dynamics of that relationship.

You guessed it, I was the only daughter. I have three brothers so they have the brother thing going on which is different again from the brother/sister thing.

What bothers me about all of this is that I feel like I missed out on something. I know that I am not the only person who has this relationship but that makes no difference to how I feel.

While my parents did there best and believe they did what is right, I was treated differently to my brothers. They were allowed to be boys, join in the fun, go on camps etc. I was not allowed to go on camps, go to after game events, even choose my own friends.

Of all my cousins, only one other has no sister but her brother also has no brother. We saw little of these growing up. The ones I spent time with were sisters, I always felt like an outsider and that really hasn’t changed.  The person I feel closest to these days is my sister in law. You guessed, she too has a sister.

Where has this left me? I was left with no one to talk to. My parents were not of the touchy feely kind, so I am very protective of my personal space.

So, what am I trying to say is that my environment has made me what I am. I am unable to love someone else more than myself. I struggle to think of others first. My first impulse is to please me, do what I want. I don’t like that about me. I am trying to change that by joining a service club and volunteering.

It is not that I am unaware of being better off than so many others, it is not that I don’t know others need help, it is that I am not fitted to do what is required. I have poor social and communication skills so interacting with them would not help them.

This is something I have to live with and I just wish I had a best friend to express this to as she would tell me what assets I do have that I might contribute.