Tag Archives: divorce

Family dissent

5 Sep

I find myself in a dilemma. Some 10 years ago my brother left his wife for another woman. His three daughters sided with their mother and cut contact with all of us. This did not bother me particularly as I do not like any of them. It did however, greatly hurt my parents to lose contact with their granddaughters. For this I hold a grudge.

Since that time the only contact my brother has had with them is when they wanted money. At the time two of them were at a tertiary college and the other about to enter, so it is not like they were immature and unable to understand.

Now, one of them has contacted her father. My first thought and the truth is that yes, she wants money. She wants to buy her own business. My brother says if it had been for lifestyle or a home he would have felt differently but for her career he wants to support her. I guess he paid to get her qualified so fair enough. Also, he is able to decide how he relates to his children, nothing to do with me. It seems she also said enough time had passed for the hurt to be dealt with and she would like to resume a relationship.

Here is my issue. I am not going to be able to forgive her for how she hurt my parents. My parents are just going to be pleased to have her back and will not want me to hold a grudge. I can accept that point of view but until I see behaviour that shows some love and care toward my parents I will hold back my forgiveness. She cannot expect to return as the prodigal son, so to speak, although that story has merit, which only adds to my issue. Forgive and forget is great and if it was about how I was treated that would be fine but it was about how two people who had only ever loved them, were greatly disturbed by their own sons behaviour as they have strong moral and Christian beliefs and had no responsibility in the situation.

Not that there was ever participation before. As children they were always withdrawn at family gatherings and would always leave early. They did not seem to know how to have fun and for that I blame their mother who was the same.

I appreciate that I have a different view to everyone else because I am not a parent, so I do not have that connection with anyone. Everyone else will be more forgiving but until I have seen some positive acts toward my parents she will know that I have not accepted her back. I am prepared to tell her this too.

Advertisements

advice

16 Jun

Sometimes I give really good advice. This is usually when my brain is working in beta, the only problem with that is that my beta brain seems to have no link to my memory. I know at the time that the advice is really good but later I cannot remember what I said.

My brother once asked me to meet him for lunch. This was the only time this had ever occurred, so was special. It turned out he wanted my advice. I am divorced and he was asking me about it, whether I was glad, happy or regretful. I talked about the things that I did regret being having no one who knew my history, to share stories with, who understands you better than anyone else and how you  need to compare this with what you might have after. Also, how will it affect your relationship with your children? They might end up living with the other parent and you might never see them. They might be angry at you for leaving.

Passion is not the emotion to base this decision on. Do you like each other? Being friends is the most important thing. Passion comes and goes and comes again. If you can continue to talk to each other, share experiences etc, maybe use the children as a buffer if you are struggling to communicate then passion will return from time to time. I believe the important thing is to evaluate your relationship with these factors in mind, then decide what you really want.