My feeling, my responsibility

27 Jun

It is a strange thing to find that I have nothing to say. Having published 30 posts it seems I have cleared my mind of its logjam and my head is now clear.

Actually this is quite true. I am much calmer for having expressed myself. I sleep really well most nights and recognise that most of my feelings about my family come from jealousy.

Everyone was talking about my brother the other day and I realised that what I was feeling was jealousy and it always had been. It is interesting that the same brother feels that in the family he is nothing. He explains it this way, there are four of us; the oldest, the youngest, the daughter and him who is nothing. I can tell him he is the comedian.

This means I have to take responsibility for how I feel. Confronting such feelings is not easy, especially when you have lived with them, un-acknowledged, for many years. It colours all my interactions with my family, I have to think about how I respond to many conversations. Again i am in the positions of looking withdrawn/aloof from everyone because I am considering my reaction and adjusting it as per my acknowledged negative feeling, to be more positive.

This all goes back to where I thought I should be the centre of attention and if I am not then I am not loved. What a stupid thought! Reverse it, if someone else is not the centre of attention, I don’t feel less love for them than whomever is front and centre. Therefore I am back to my initial thought from when I returned home. Wait to find out where I fit in. Patience. Just being there and showing love will get me to where I want to be.

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