Self worth

23 May

It is unsettling to realise you are not the most important person in the room. Living alone makes you believe you are but once in a crowd, you’re not. Self awareness is making me humble, maybe even likable, I don’t know when I started thinking I should be the centre of attention but I am beginning to accept that it is not so. Wanting to be the person that knows and insisting on being right is off putting to others and a burden to self. It becomes so that you cannot admit to being wrong. I am, after more than 50 years, ready to accept that I don’t have to know all the answers and am allowed to be wrong.

This started at school. I did well at school, was always near the top of the class and at times the only one who knew the answer. It always came easily to me. I remember a day when the teacher was willing to dismiss us early if someone could spell chrysanthemum. Of the whole class I was the only one.It made me a hero for those few moments it took to empty the room but did not earn me respect with my class mates. I was just the smart arse, expected to help them out but not to be their friend.

I was never popular and often teased because I was naive and didn’t understand half of what the street wise kids talked about. My parents sheltered me and we lived on a farm so I had no contact outside structured activity with anyone my age. This impeded my social development and even after more than 30 years of nursing, there are still areas in which I am naive.

This might be why I have difficulty with relationships. I do not trust easily and have been betrayed enough by those who claimed to love me to have built a very high wall around myself. I am a loner and safe because I know what I expect of myself and only I can let me down.

Now I am trying to build bridges with my family but still have moments when I want to run again. What stops me is that now there is nowhere to run. I have not fully accepted it yet though. When I think about telling them of my blog, I can’t. That would mean them reading this and knowing more about me.

Do I blame my parents for this? No, they did their best for me and it has been up to me since I left school to take the responsibility. I don’t believe anyone can blame their childhood for what they do as adults. You are responsible for your own life so own that.

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